Football Players To Play All 2020 Games Through Astral Projection
April 9th, 2020
David Lewis, for the Nightly North Shore News
Touch Football has been a staple of American sports culture for generations, but through the power of magic and spiritualism, could we begin to see a thrilling but non-violent new sport emerge? A “No-Touch Football” if you will?
It seems that this future might be closer on the horizon than we once thought, as the popular Rhode Island Football team The Providence Púca’s have just announced that they will be playing the next season entirely through astral projection. Coach Paul Mitchell, who has been experimenting with new training techniques since his appointment as team leader two seasons ago, has stated that this unorthodox method of playing football could usher in a bright new era in the world of sports. Reportedly after losing several star players to concussions earlier this year, Mitchell wanted to discover a safer way to play the sport and turned to spiritualism for answers.
The practice started as a fun way to experiment with playing the game, but it quickly turned into a trend that spread north through Massachusetts. In fact, Local Salemite teams have even agreed to play astrally as well due to some current situations making in-person games difficult.
While some are praising this new tactic, including leading members of the Rhode Island Enchanter’s Guild, others have been far more critical of this move, citing the extreme difficulty of astral projection and the dangers it presents. Jonas Fasenello, Coach of the rival Warwick Warlocks, has publicly bashed the decision to play through astral projection, saying that it requires many years of practice for witches to master, let alone football players who are mostly, according to local statistics, not witches. Fasenello went on to accuse Mitchell of only making this decision with the intention of rendering it impossible for opponents to actually play against them, thus securing a place in the local championships.
When reached for a comment on this accusation, Mitchell did not respond. I was informed that Coach Mitchell and his team have been spending most of their time in the astral plane to sharpen their projection skills through near constant practice. I visited the field where they were allegedly playing in order to interview the team first-hand, but their corporeal bodies were mostly unresponsive. This humble reporter is not a skilled astral projector, but I was able to pop in and out of their current realm long enough to ask what their plan was to compete against physical teams.
Mitchell responded by conveying:
“This was a... [inaudible - 4 seconds]... wizard who told me to spend years... [inaudible - 6 seconds]... thing in here with [inaudible - 3 seconds - deafening drum rhythm - 12 seconds]... bodies and souls like a fun… [inaudible - 8 seconds]... players do this! Don’t [inaudible - 1 second] play regular football! [followed by what appeared to be some kind of cheering in another language for the next 30 seconds]”
It was at this point that his body’s nose began gushing blood and I called him an ambulance. The other players were not moved from their meditation spots, and are likely still practicing and staying loyal to their coach as he returns to consciousness. Admittedly, it was my lack of astral projection skills that prevented me from gleaming more answers out of Mitchell, but it does seem like his new version of the game could take years of practice, require more training for your body and possibly your soul, and that it sounds like a lot of fun. Of course, his message is left up to interpretation.
It should be an interesting season, either way! Hopefully all of you sports fans won’t be too put off by this experimental new form of gameplay.